Understanding communication dynamics in relationships

Communication is the heartbeat of any relationship. Whether you’re navigating a romantic partnership, close friendship, or family bond, the way we interact shapes how safe, connected, and understood we feel.

One of the most powerful, and often hidden, forces at play in relationships is our communication dynamic: the recurring patterns we fall into when trying to connect, defend, or express ourselves.

The Pursuer–distancer dynamic

A common relationship pattern is the pursuer-distancer dynamic. In this cycle, one person seeks closeness and emotional engagement (the pursuer), while the other pulls away to maintain space or avoid conflict (the distancer). The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws, creating a frustrating feedback loop.

This concept is well known in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, and also explored by authors like Harriet Lerner and Dan Wile. It’s often rooted in attachment needs: the pursuer may fear abandonment, while the distancer may fear being overwhelmed or controlled.

Naming this pattern together is the first step toward breaking the cycle.

Other common dynamics

Critic–defender
In this dynamic, one partner takes on a critical tone, often out of frustration or unmet needs, while the other becomes defensive or shuts down. This dynamic is one of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" described by Dr. John Gottman, whose research on conflict predicts long-term relationship outcomes.

Healthy communication requires replacing criticism with gentle startups, and defensiveness with taking responsibility.

Stonewalling–spiralling
When one partner emotionally shuts down or withdraws (stonewalling), the other often escalates emotionally in an effort to reconnect. Gottman also identified stonewalling as a major threat to communication, while EFT models see the spiralling partner as engaging in protest behaviour, driven by fear of disconnection.

Without awareness, both partners end up feeling unseen, unheard, and frustrated.

Parent–child dynamic
This pattern often shows up when one partner assumes a caretaking, controlling, or "responsible" role, while the other becomes passive, avoidant, or rebellious. It's discussed in Family Systems Theory (e.g., Virginia Satir, Murray Bowen) and in Transactional Analysis by Eric Berne, which describes roles like Parent, Adult, and Child in communication.

Over time, this dynamic can create resentment and erode mutual respect or autonomy.

Why these patterns matter

These dynamics aren’t about who’s right or wrong, they’re about how we protect ourselves when we feel emotionally vulnerable. Recognizing your pattern gives you the power to respond instead of react.

Why understanding relationship dynamics is helpful:
Recognizing these patterns helps you step back from emotional reactions and see the bigger picture of how you and your partner interact. This awareness gives you the power to respond thoughtfully, break unhelpful cycles, and create a safer, more connected relationship.

Try This

• Pause before responding and ask yourself: Am I pursuing, distancing, criticizing, defending?
• Name the cycle: Talk about the pattern, not just the content of the argument.
• Create safety: Real connection happens when both people feel emotionally safe.

Final thoughts

We all get caught in patterns, but the goal isn’t perfection; it’s awareness and growth. When you start seeing your relationship dynamic as the shared problem, not each other, you open the door to empathy, curiosity, and lasting change.

Understanding these dynamics is a powerful first step, but lasting change comes from learning how to communicate with intention and create deeper connection. My programs are designed to help you develop these essential skills—so you can navigate relationship patterns with clarity, empathy, and confidence.

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Sources & Further Reading

• Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
• Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
• Lerner, H. (1989). The Dance of Intimacy
• Berne, E. (1964). Games People Play
• Satir, V. (1972). Peoplemaking